party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
