Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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