My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
