Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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