He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize