i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I intend to get homeless drunk
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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