can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
