why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
