I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
