with your own penis?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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