The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
