The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
