the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
