sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
