I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
