Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
