Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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