Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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