Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize