this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
