why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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