The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
where are my eyebrows?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
