my sisters under your porch take her home
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's shark week go big or go home
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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