At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
