I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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