im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
