This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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