I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
