dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
hell yes lets make some ravioli
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We got so high we made milksteak
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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