this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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