allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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