All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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