2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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