Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
