Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
