mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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