just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
