that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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