How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
