if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
