I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Randomize
