i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i came on her dog
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
