Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
