would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
