Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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