Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
