she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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