She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i love accidental penises.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
