We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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