This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
