someone threw a dead crab at me
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
