I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
