and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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