My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
