Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
