Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have feelings that need drinking.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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