Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
