she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
