what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
don't judge my taste in strippers
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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